I am really trying to look forward and to make steps to changing myself. It's tough. I feel like I have split personalities. Half of me is eager to live a healthier life, be active and feel strong; the other half of me lacks motivation and sits on the couch watching tv. Guess which side is winning?
I am making steps to move forward; I have joined a group that focuses on 6 small habits that contribute to creating consistency and a non-judgmental relationship with food. The first habit is to commit to tracking what I eat for two weeks - it's not about whether I'm eating too many/not enough calories; it will make me aware of what I'm eating and when.
I am looking forward to seeing how it goes.
Speaking of looking forward, I have a girls weekend on the 24th of October. That is the weekend that the baby would have been due. I am glad that I will be surrounded by friends (likely full of alcohol) to pass that awful weekend.
Friday, September 4, 2015
I changed the look of my blog - I just couldn't stand the pink for another second! Blah. I also changed my tag line.
I have to start to putting myself back together and it starts now. I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been. Miscarriage and infertility have wreaked havoc with my body and my emotions. Enough is enough. It's time to make myself a priority. In the past, I would have sat down and made a plan. Got out my spreadsheet and tracked days, calories, activities until one day I wouldn't be able to take it anymore and I would fall hard. Now, I have discovered a group of people who are advocating loving yourself well. Mind blowing.
I now understand the damage that my dieting history has done to my body and my thinking around food. I am now just eating the food. It doesn't mean going crazy and eating everything and anything, but it does mean paying attention to my body. Re-learning my hunger signals. Eating intuitively. It also means incorporating intentional exercise back into my life.
I'm just at the beginning and am taking baby steps. It's been really hard to find motivation; I was beginnning to worry that I was suffering a depression that I wouldn't bounce out of on my own. But, I feel things shifting - there is light where it was just gray before.
At one point, close after the miscarriage, I just wanted to change everything in my life. I wanted to quit my job, sell our house and move somewhere fresh and new. I would love to live near the ocean. My husband didn't realize how serious I was about things; he just laughed it off. And, I let him. I must have known that it was a reaction to everything I cannot change in my life.
So today, I am trying to love myself again. I have processed my brother's announcement and am happy for them. Now I am trying to find something to look forward to - I think the first thing will be a trip back to Jamaica.